Somewhere along the way, a lot of us absorbed a message that sounded like empowerment… but felt like pressure.
That message was: *A “good” mom does it all. By herself. With a smile.*
I was conditioned to believe that independence as a mother was proof of my capability and value. The idea floated constantly in the back of my mind: if I can prove I can have the homebirth, breastfeed, wash the cloth diapers, keep the house pretty clean, and start losing weight… then I’m a good mom.
And if I can’t?
Then I must not be.
It’s not all or nothing, but the *belief* made it feel like it was. And it set me up for a brutal reality: I felt guilty every single moment I relaxed. Rest didn’t feel like rest. It felt like I was “getting away with something.”
When “Doing It All” Turns Into Never Feeling Enough
Here’s the part I didn’t expect: even when I was doing the things I thought would “prove” I was a capable mother, I was tired, even for the tasks I enjoyed. But some of the joy was taken from it because I always felt like I was proving my worth.
And then came the thing that felt like a spotlight.
My milk supply struggles.
I don’t say that lightly. It felt like a constant bright light shining directly on what I believed was my failure. I didn’t just feel stressed—I felt *exposed.* Like everyone could see the one thing I couldn’t muscle through with enough grit or willpower.
That mindset affected every moment of every day of the first year of my motherhood.
Asking for help felt like failure. Talking about how stressed or worried I felt seemed unsafe. I started building up this big emotional wall because opening up about the struggle felt like a confirmation of my absolute failure.
That might sound extreme, especially if you have a more laid-back personality. But I suspect it's more relatable than many of us are comfortable admiting.
And here’s something I’ve noticed over and over: I’ve seen more mothers struggle with postpartum anxiety than postpartum depression. The constant scanning. The racing thoughts. The tight chest. The fear of “messing it up.” The feeling that you should be handling it better.
Anxiety is sneaky like that. It often hides behind competence.
Why Asking for Help Feels So Hard (Even When You Really Need It)
If you’re someone who’s always been capable, independent, and reliable, pregnancy and postpartum can bring up a strange identity crisis.
Because suddenly you might:
- need more rest than you’re used to
- feel physically limited
- need emotional support in a brand-new way
- feel overwhelmed by decisions you “should” be able to make
- wonder why you can’t just *figure it out*
And if your internal story says, “Needing help means I’m failing,” then support can feel like danger instead of relief.
But let’s reframe this with a little practicality (and a little permission):
Motherhood is not a solo sport.
And postpartum? Postpartum is basically the Olympics of “please don’t do this alone.”
You’re recovering. You’re learning. You’re feeding. You’re adapting. You’re healing. You’re not just caring for a baby—you’re becoming a mother. That is a huge transition.
If you’re struggling, it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re human.
Accepting Help Is a Skill (Yes, Really)
Eventually—slowly, even to this day—I have accepted help and become less judgmental of myself when I ask for it. This has improved my mental health steadily over time. Even when I feel anxious asking for help. Or like I have to defend my request for help.
Not because life became perfect. Not because I stopped caring. But because I stopped treating support like a moral weakness.
Accepting help is a skill you can practice. Practice makes progress.
Here are a few ways to start, especially if asking for help makes your throat tighten:
1) Start with “micro-asks”
If asking for big help feels impossible, ask for small help.
- “Can you bring me a water?”
- “Can you hold the baby while I shower?”
- “Can you order dinner tonight?”
Small asks build trust—both in others and in yourself.
2) Be specific (vague help is stressful help)
“Let me know if you need anything” is kind, but not always useful when you’re exhausted.
Try:
- “Could you fold a load of laundry?”
- “Could you take the baby for a walk at 3pm?”
- “Can you text me tomorrow morning and check in?”
Specific requests make it easier for people to actually show up.
3) Let “help” count even if it’s imperfect
This is the hard one. Because if your nervous system equates control with safety, imperfect help can feel like more work.
But postpartum is not the time for perfection. It’s the time for support.
If someone loads the dishwasher “wrong” but you ate lunch and got a nap… that’s a win.
4) Tell the truth sooner
If you wait until you’re drowning, everything feels urgent and scary.
Try practicing truth in smaller doses:
- “I’m feeling more anxious than I expected.”
- “I’m not sleeping and it’s getting to me.”
- “I’m struggling with feeding and I feel really tender about it.”
- "I'm not sure what I'm feeling, but it doesn't feel quite right"
You don’t have to carry the full weight of your emotions alone. Every little bit helps.
5) Build a postpartum plan that includes *people*, not just products
This one matters so much, because we live in a world that sells postpartum as stuff.
The bottles, pumps, sheets, muslin blankets, clothes… they all matter. But every single one of those products will eventually be donated, recycled, or sold.
**You, however, will always be a mother.**
So what if you spent your “expecting” phase preparing for the things that REALLY matter long-term?
Like:
- who you’ll text when you feel weepy at 2 a.m.
- who can come over so you can nap
- who will normalize what you’re experiencing
- who can help you sort through feeding questions without shame
- who can remind you that you’re not broken—you’re becoming
The Truth: Mothers Thrive in Community
Some of the most capable mothers I know are the ones who learned to receive support without turning it into a self-worth issue.
They ask for help. They accept help. They don’t interpret needs as failure.
That doesn’t mean they never struggle—it means they don’t struggle in silence or isolation.
If you’re pregnant right now, I want you to hear this clearly:
Your ability to do everything by yourself is not the measure of your success as a mother.
Your willingness to be supported is not weakness. It’s wisdom.
Let Me Be Your Guide, Digital Doula Support That Actually Helps
One of the things I’m so passionate about as a digital doula is being the teacher, cheerleader, and support system in your corner—helping you spend your pregnancy preparing for the things that REALLY matter in motherhood.
Not just the gear. Not just the registry. Not just the birth preferences. Though, I promise I will steer you towards the safest, most effective products.
But the transition. The support. The emotional load. The postpartum reality. The identity shift. The mental health piece. The “how do I do this without losing myself?” part.
Because you deserve to become a mother with resources, guidance, encouragement, and a plan that carries you through the newborn days and into all the changing phases of motherhood.
Let me be that guide. I’d love to be your digital doula.
Learn more about Sage Mama Maternity here:
You're probably so excited about welcoming your baby into your home, if you're like most moms you're probably flipping through a few books, you've download some apps, and listening to your friend's and family's experience. You're probably doing your part to be a star patient for your doctor or midwife.I totally get that, and this is actually a problem because you're going to get you varied, sometimes conflicting advice that might not even work for your circumstance, and here is the kicker: lots of time's it not evidence-based guidance.
Instead of that, I want to offer you that working with a doula from your first trimester through your postpartum time is actually going to give you what you really need: cohesive information, expert guidance and the emotional support that every new mom deserves. It's like having an a doula in your pocket (or purse if that's where you keep your phone)
Hiring a Digital Doula is the best way to have a positive experience during your pregnancy, birth and postpartum. I would love to be your digital doula.
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