What Makes Happily Ever After After?

Is it a captivating tale of how the two of you met?  Or is it having a friction-free marriage?  Is Happily Ever After realistic?  Is it unrealistic?  Is it possible for everyone?  

These are really important questions, to ask.  For many years I thought “happily ever after” is just for fairy tales.  The stories with the one time conflict resolved and then we never hear about them again.  In that way, sure it’s true that that type of “happily ever after“ is just for fairy tales.

Happily Ever After for those in the messy middle of life.

For those of you somewhere in between “fairy tale bliss” and “it’s okay” is happily ever after available to you?  

Yes.

How does that feel?

Not in a conflict free, look-at-us-headed-back-to-Bali and our-kids-are-models-with perfect-grades, no-screen-time and no-need-for-expensive-braces sort of way.

But in a way of, the tire is flat, we have our imperfections, we aren’t sure what to do about this behavioral problem, but we are in this together.  We are committed to really seeing, hearing and understanding each other. 

 Committed to more than physical presence and running a household together.  Committed to each other’s well being, to becoming better ourselves all while accepting imperfect.  

Now that’s love that makes  you weak in the knees

Happily Ever After for those in abusive or neglectful relationships

Is happily ever after available for those in abusive or neglectful situations?  Possible, yes with true change.

Too often the neglected and abused partner bends and molds trying everything  to make it work.  Too often the partner who longs for better is encouraged to continue being a victim and trying harder.

A marriage, a relationship is TWO committed people.  Commitment is more than just presence, contributing the house or the financies.  

If you are in an abusive relationship, please get out and get to safety.  Also, get into therapy, you’ve learned a lot of harmful patterns and it takes time and support to learn healthier behaviors and thought patters.

If you are in a neglectful relationship please seek therapy with a licensed therapist.


Why I Love Ever After


Drew Barrymore, Danielle de Barbarac, Ever After, Cinderella, FeministIf you are on my email list, then you know that Ever After is my favorite version of Cinderella.  I love it because it displays values we rarely hear in Cinderella such as

  • A woman who stands against injustice, at personal risk
  • Uses her voice, even when she is afraid
  • A man who is intrigued by an opinionated women, not intimidated by her
  • A man who finds that his privilege isn’t always enough to skate through life
  • A man who owns the harm his pride causes others and seeks to remedy it
  • A woman who frees herself from victimization
  • A man who forgives deception
  • A woman who struggles with a mistake (deception) but isn’t defined by it
  • A woman who doesn’t fit the mold for her desires, or society’s expectations 

Making our Happily Ever After

It’s not being happy all the time.  Nor is it a flawless sex life.  It’s not kids that fall asleep at 8:00 precisely, never wake up when we’re being intimate.  

It is life.  The good, the bad, the breathtaking, the heartbreaking.

Hernando and I have been through multiple job losses, one miscarriage, six pregnancies and postpartum recoveries, leaving two churches we loved, losing friends, all of our grandparents, parents moving away, us moving away, anxiety, depression, being victim of near violent crime (while pregnant!).  

We don’t feel happy all of the time, I used to really doubt if I was “cut out” for being a wife because I didn’t line up with the model I’d been taught was “the godly way.”  But WOW, I am so happy I chose Hernando.  I know he’s over-the-moon happy he chose me.

We’ve had some rough patches, hard times that brought us closer together, hard times I thought would kill me and unbelievable bliss (have you been to a physiological birth???? pure wild magic).

One thing we do have though thats a little modern-day-fairy-tale like is the story of how we met.  We may well have been divinely brought together, but we remain perfectly matched because we choose to be.

What about you?

Assuming you are in a safe marriage, do you feel perfectly matched?  Do you feel like you are living out an imperfect happily ever after?
I would love to hear your thoughts on the questions I posed at the beginning of this post.

If you are looking to go deeper in your marriage, you are both willing to grow in communication and compassion.  If you are excited to get clear on your values that define you as match, to  live that out proactively, we’d love to have you join our unique partner coaching container: Perfectly Matched.




 
If you are looking for support that acknowledges your mind, body, spirit and human need for community, I am the coach for you!  Book a free planning & assessment session with me to get clear on what you need.  You’ll be so glad you did!